Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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