Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
