he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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