The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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