He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
