mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She bit a glass in half.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
