I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize