yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
