all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
