It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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