and you said cock pushups were impossible
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
