I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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