Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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