It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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