Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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