She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
