She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
