okay pat passed out under dana's car
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize