No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
