True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
