dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
