Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
