hotel room ftw
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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