I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
