Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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