By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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