I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
