My balls are so social today.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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