just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
