I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
