saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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