kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize