I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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