Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
