i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
