I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
