So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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