it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
