you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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