wrigley field is MILF paradise
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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