saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
