This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
