Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
the raccoons are back...
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