just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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