So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
