there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
