i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We left the knife in your bed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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