dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
