just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
