is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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