Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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