You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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