You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
