It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
