my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
