dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
