piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize