Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
