This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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